The realization

I can't do this on my own.  I can't lose the weight.  I have lost control and I need help.

Not many people want to admit those things.  I never thought I could admit those things....but, I'm very thankful I finally can.  Doing so has allowed me to seek help.  Not facing the realization that I couldn't do it alone held me back (for so long) from seeking the help I needed.  Why did I do that to myself for so long?  Depression.  Embarrassment. A vicious cycle.

I remember the day I brought up surgery to my parents.  I didn't even know about VSG at the time.  RnY was out of the question.  I was thinking the Lap Band was for me - imagine that!  We were in a chemo unit at Dana Farber - Dad was on round 3 or 4, I don't remember.  How horrible of me to be thinking of myself.  I had hoped that once Dad was "cured" of his ailments and Mom's surgeries were all out of the way, I would have some time to focus on me.  Mom thought the idea of surgery was a bit extreme.  Dad didn't say much.  He wasn't the type to.  But, I knew then - like I know now - that Dad wanted me to do what was best for me - and, my health.  I often think of the future and wish he was still here.  I imagine being much thinner and wishing that Dad got to know the thinner me.  Ahhh...our wondering minds.

Dad's illness had it's ups and downs over the next several months.  My thoughts of surgery were put on the back burner.  I had spoken to Santa about surgery a few times and had even let him know it was something I was considering.  He was supportive from day one.  "Whatever you want to do" - again...what did I do to deserve him? 

I had already been on OH, once or twice, in 2004.  After mentioning it to Mom, Dad & Santa, in 2007, I actually created an OH ID.  I visited for a month or so, decided I just couldn't do it and gave up - or, convinced myself that I could "do it the old fashioned weigh" one more time. So, in 2007, I got back on the Weight Watchers train.  It didn't take long - the train fell off the track.

I attended my first bariatric information session in late October, 2009.  My program requirements were as follows:

• attend two information sessions
• attend one-on-one's with: program director, program nutritionist, program nurse, program social worker
• attend group nutritionist session
• surgeon meeting
• group session with program nurse
• testing: prelim labs, EKG, ultrasound
• lose 10 pounds

By January 2010, I had completed all of my requirements and my program director submitted my VSG surgery to my insurance.  A month later - denied.  Not the surgery - the surgeon and the location.  The surgeon and hospital were not covered on my plan.  I appealed, on my own, and my appeal was also denied. After renewing my insurance and assuring that my hospital and surgeon would be covered under my new plan, I was required to redo a few of the program steps I had completed the year prior.  I spent October getting back on track and completed my program requirements. Again, my program director submitted to my insurance company and, again, my surgery was denied...this time: the VSG is "experimental and/or investigational" as my early November denial letter stated.  I was crushed.

At this point, I knew it was my last shot...I couldn't afford to not do this.  And, I knew it was balls to the wall.  If I wanted this tool, I was going to have to fight for it.  And, that's what I did.  I enlisted the assistance of the Obesity Law & Advocacy Center.  I prepared mounds of paperwork for them.  In a way, I almost felt bad that they had to deal with all my "stuff" - even though I was sure they had done this a million times before, I knew I had to be prepared.  And, I was.  It took me nearly a month and a half to get everything together and send everything off to them.  They submitted a 60+ page appeal to my insurance company in mid-January.  My denial was overturned and I was approved for surgery the second week in February 2011.  Needless to say, I had a "Holy Shit!" moment.  The range of emotions were overwhelming...scared, excited, thrilled, nervous, scared shitless. 

My VSG is scheduled for March 15, 2011.  As I said to Santa "This is the end of my life as I know it."  To which Santa replied "Or, just the beginning!"  I hope he's right!